Text Copyright 2008-2013 by Gary Canup. All rights reserved worldwide. All works of fiction have been registered with the U.S. Copyright Office.
Free Fiction by Gary Canup
Author of Flash Fiction, Short Stories, Novellas, and Novels
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Welcome, readers, to my dark little recess in the World Wide Web.
Although all writers, to some degree, aspire to enlighten, our primary purpose is to entertain, through whatever means necessary -- humor and satire, mystery and surprise, magic and fantasy, sex and violence, perversion and lunacy -- and you will find all that and more on this site. But whenever real life is nonentertaining, and perhaps even deadly dull, it is a writer's duty to use his imagination to liven up real life as best he can, and this obligation extends, I believe, to autobiography. So with this in mind, I humbly, and with a totally straight face, present my bio:
I, Gary Canup, have lived a very exciting and eventful life.
In 1982 I climbed to the top of Mount Everest, where I opened up a McDonald's restaurant. Frankly, it is not doing too well. Every three months or so a couple of Sherpas and a mountain goat come in for fries, but that is about it. I am really taking a bath on that investment.
Mount Everest, however, is not the farthest that I have traveled, not by a longshot. I once had a near-death experience and floated off to meet the Creator of the Universe himself. He looks nothing like the grandiose figure that Michelangelo depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. He looks more like a used-car salesman from Newark, sleazy mustache and all. He told me his real name is Shecky, but I think he was just pulling my leg. He taught me to love my neighbor and my enemies, advised me always to be honest and fair, then sold me a '56 Buick with a leaky radiator.
In 1927 I was running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain when I tripped over Ernest Hemingway and landed face down in a cowpie.
Briefly during the 1930s I worked as a hit man for the Linguini family in Chicago, but they kicked me out for my utter refusal to use a gun and for my stubborn insistence on trying to tickle my victims to death.
During World War Two I personally slapped Hitler for insulting my belt buckle. He cried like a girl.
In 1876 I was captured by a tribe of cannibals in the Congo. After stripping me naked to prepare me for boiling, they gasped and stepped back in awe, dropped to their knees and bowed their heads, and even today I am worshipped there as a three-legged god.
In 1895, while vacationing in London, I got drunk on English ale and publicly declared that Queen Victoria had a face like the hind end of a rhino. I was tried and thrown into prison, where Oscar Wilde made me his bitch.
In 1596 I was standing behind Shakespeare as he sat at his desk and I was gazing over his shoulder with admiration as he penned Romeo's speech upon first gazing upon Juliet: "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw true beauty until this night." Then the Bard leaned to one side and let one rip. I don't know what that guy was eating but I had to flee the room with my hand over my nose.
My outspokenness has often gotten me into trouble. I once told Mozart that Beethoven is a far better composer and he came after me with a wiener schnitzel. I told Mother Teresa that she looked fat. I never made that mistake again. Who knew the old broad had a temper?
I am currently living the quiet life in midwestern USA, where I delight the children with my Beavis and Butt-Head impressions.
**********
An exploration of the links above will transport you to tales of a haunted house, a bloody mountain feud, a deranged nihilist and a young ballerina battling for the conscience of a young boy, a naked sleepwalker, a creepy carnival, voodoo and perverts and lunatics and much much more. Here's hoping you find something to your liking, and do come back as I will be adding new material from time to time.
One word of warning: though this is a literary, and not a pornographic website, certain scenes in certain stories may not be suitable for all readers. Prudes and minors beware!
ALL FIVE TITLES WILL SOON BE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM!
Check out a few of the free fiction samples and let me know what you think by clicking the button below. But go easy on me, I'm a sensitive guy. Thanks.
Although all writers, to some degree, aspire to enlighten, our primary purpose is to entertain, through whatever means necessary -- humor and satire, mystery and surprise, magic and fantasy, sex and violence, perversion and lunacy -- and you will find all that and more on this site. But whenever real life is nonentertaining, and perhaps even deadly dull, it is a writer's duty to use his imagination to liven up real life as best he can, and this obligation extends, I believe, to autobiography. So with this in mind, I humbly, and with a totally straight face, present my bio:
I, Gary Canup, have lived a very exciting and eventful life.
In 1982 I climbed to the top of Mount Everest, where I opened up a McDonald's restaurant. Frankly, it is not doing too well. Every three months or so a couple of Sherpas and a mountain goat come in for fries, but that is about it. I am really taking a bath on that investment.
Mount Everest, however, is not the farthest that I have traveled, not by a longshot. I once had a near-death experience and floated off to meet the Creator of the Universe himself. He looks nothing like the grandiose figure that Michelangelo depicted on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. He looks more like a used-car salesman from Newark, sleazy mustache and all. He told me his real name is Shecky, but I think he was just pulling my leg. He taught me to love my neighbor and my enemies, advised me always to be honest and fair, then sold me a '56 Buick with a leaky radiator.
In 1927 I was running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain when I tripped over Ernest Hemingway and landed face down in a cowpie.
Briefly during the 1930s I worked as a hit man for the Linguini family in Chicago, but they kicked me out for my utter refusal to use a gun and for my stubborn insistence on trying to tickle my victims to death.
During World War Two I personally slapped Hitler for insulting my belt buckle. He cried like a girl.
In 1876 I was captured by a tribe of cannibals in the Congo. After stripping me naked to prepare me for boiling, they gasped and stepped back in awe, dropped to their knees and bowed their heads, and even today I am worshipped there as a three-legged god.
In 1895, while vacationing in London, I got drunk on English ale and publicly declared that Queen Victoria had a face like the hind end of a rhino. I was tried and thrown into prison, where Oscar Wilde made me his bitch.
In 1596 I was standing behind Shakespeare as he sat at his desk and I was gazing over his shoulder with admiration as he penned Romeo's speech upon first gazing upon Juliet: "Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw true beauty until this night." Then the Bard leaned to one side and let one rip. I don't know what that guy was eating but I had to flee the room with my hand over my nose.
My outspokenness has often gotten me into trouble. I once told Mozart that Beethoven is a far better composer and he came after me with a wiener schnitzel. I told Mother Teresa that she looked fat. I never made that mistake again. Who knew the old broad had a temper?
I am currently living the quiet life in midwestern USA, where I delight the children with my Beavis and Butt-Head impressions.
**********
An exploration of the links above will transport you to tales of a haunted house, a bloody mountain feud, a deranged nihilist and a young ballerina battling for the conscience of a young boy, a naked sleepwalker, a creepy carnival, voodoo and perverts and lunatics and much much more. Here's hoping you find something to your liking, and do come back as I will be adding new material from time to time.
One word of warning: though this is a literary, and not a pornographic website, certain scenes in certain stories may not be suitable for all readers. Prudes and minors beware!
ALL FIVE TITLES WILL SOON BE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM!
Check out a few of the free fiction samples and let me know what you think by clicking the button below. But go easy on me, I'm a sensitive guy. Thanks.
